I am writing this post in order to share with you some important news.

For some time I have been wrestling with the need to operate in both analogue and digital modes, and have – after much soul-searching – come to the decision that I must fully digitise myself.

In fact, I have already done so, having made a clandestine visit to a Swiss clinic over the weekend in which all remaining analogue parts and wiring were removed and a new, fully-digital operating system implanted.

While I am still experiencing mild pixelation in high winds, and occasionally have to reboot in public using a button located in a position I have been warned never to reveal just behind my right ear, things have been running smoothly so far.

NO ILL-EFFECTS: Up and running (coverage allowing)

I am perhaps regretting the decision to save money by going for the ‘wifi only’ option, as I have been disappearing rather a lot, but I can always upgrade to 3G when my present contract runs out in 2022.

Perhaps more controversially, I have decided to run with Apple’s iOS operating system. The beauty of this is that I am readily accessible to any friend or colleague with an Apple device, once they have downloaded the modestly priced app that contains the relevant code.

The drawback, if there is one, is that I will be invisible and inaudible to anyone who does not have an Apple device. While some older family members have expressed concern over this, I have pointed out that they will save money on Christmas presents.

I look forward to sharing more news as this interesting experiment progresses, and would like to stress that rumours suggesting I am being paid a modest retainer to ‘place’ Apple products in everyday conversation are completely unfounded.

And as I pad round my apartment this morning listening to the rain, as I phone friends asking what essentials I may need for the day – umbrella, mac, book, sandwiches -  I realise that I have made the right decision.